This is where I (presumably played by Johnny Vegas) get showered, shave and trim the hairs, that for some reason grow in my ears, in a montage. There will be Wild Thing by Tone Loc playing over quick cuts of razors, toothbrushes, toilet flushes and air freshener being sprayed…

It’s welcome day at Edinburgh College and I’m kinda nervous at the thought of going. I can’t remember being this nervous at my first day at primary school but that might be because I was to busy staring at my new shoes and wondering how something could be so shiny.

But there will be no staring at shoes today, only focusing on the task in hand.