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Ross Douglas

Edinburgh never knew what it was about to spawn.

The Complete West Wig

This is fucking hilarious. Read it now.

Excel Pope

west-wig

Introduction

The West Wing was broadcast from 1999 to 2006, and covers the presidency of Jed Bartlet, a democratic Nobel laureate. Bartlet is liberal, educated, erudite and politically skilled…so pretty much a polar opposite to Donald Trump.
The West Wig is my imagining of what would happen if you replaced Bartlet with Trump in some of the iconic scenes from The West Wing.
As you’d expect, it all goes terribly well.

Index

West Wig 1 – Trump’s grand entrance
West Wig 2 – Trump shows off his book smarts
West Wig 3 – Trump and Leo argue over the use of the military
West Wig 4 – Trump and Charlie have a moment
West Wig 5 – Trump hires Ainsley
West Wig 6 – Trump during the aftermath of an assassination attempt
West Wig 7 – Josh and the secret plan to fight inflation
West Wig 8 – Trump and…

View original post 6,169 more words

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Back at it.

So, having failed maths with spectacular aplomb I was unable to go onto the next year of the Web Design course which, if I’m honest, isn’t that much of a hardship as I can’t get my head around programming no matter how hard I try. People that can do programming are obviously autistic to the level that they can program a computer with ease but can’t handle when the box of Rice Crispies in a millimeter out of place in the cupboard.

But, my friends, there is hope. I’m now two weeks into a new year of study.

I’ve decided to take a course in Media and Broadcasting and am enjoying it so far. The class is chock full of teenagers though and I, being the grumpy old curmudgeon I am, haven’t spoken to any of them. I have however met up with a few of the people I was in class with last year so I’m not being completely anti social.

I may update this blog now and then to let you know how it’s going. I may not. Who knows?

Going Dutch.

Or – How to make an Assen of it.

Today saw the 250th MotoGP race. Held at the Historic track of Assen in Holland where the Grand Prix (or various incarnations of it, MotoGP, GP500, Motorcycle Grand Prix) has taken place since 1949.

The race was declared a flag to flag (Which means that it’s wet at the start and there will be no intervention by race direction during the race itself) and started with a smattering of rain around the track and everyone using rain tyres.

Riders set off when the lights went out and settled into the race itself. As so often happens at Assen the heavens opened up and a shower of rain that resembled scenes written about in the bible began.

Then came the RED FLAGS. A red flag in racing means that the race is being stopped for some reason (rider down and needs medical assistance, bike is lying in the middle of the track on fire, etc etc etc…) and all riders should cease racing and return to the pits.

At this point in the race the positions were as follows…

race1

 

In the old days there was a second race run on aggregate times. To explain…

Rider A has disappeared into the distance and has a ten second lead in Race #1 but is beaten in Race#2 by Rider B by 7 seconds, Rider A wins the aggregate race by 3 seconds.

Simple huh?

Apparently not so simple for some so a while back the MotoGP bosses decided that instead of doing an aggregate race all of race #1 is ignored and a second race takes place. Grid Positions are decided by the position of the riders at the end of race #1 and any advantage they have gained is null and void.

Which, in my opinion, is utterly senseless. A rider who has struggled in the first part of the race could, potentially, go into the pits and change bike or his settings and win the second race despite being in last place in the first race. Put yourself into the position of someone who has battled in the rain and got to first position through hard work and skill gaining a 30 second lead over the guy behind you then had that lead voided through no fault of your own.

Now tell me you think a race on aggregate isn’t the way this weekends race should have been run…

 

 

 

Once again I’m having to write a blog post to satisfy the demands of the SQA so I can pass my module on weblogs. Blah, blah, fucking blah.

In class today I’m having to do co-ordinates for maths so that’s me jolly well  fucked. For some reason my brain gets some of the co-ordinates in the right place but the majority of them in the wrong place. It would appear my brain hates me.

 

Sometimes it snows in April…

Indeed…

Like yesterday when here in Edinburgh the weather changed more times than Prince changed his clothes during the full run of a concert tour and, yes it snowed. In April.

When the news that Prince had died reached me I was sitting at my in-laws. My mother-in-law broke the news to everyone in the room and my first reaction was that it was an attempt to wind me up.

I’ve been a fan of Prince since I was a teenager. Something about his style of music struck a chord with me and I spent all my pocket from my milk delivery job on buying all his albums on cassette tape.

For all you young bods out there that haven’t known music to be stored on a cassette tape you’ve never lived until you’ve sat with a pencil and patiently wound the tape back onto the reel after the tape player attempted to chew it up. There is an almost Zen like calm required to wind the tape back onto the spool. Failure to enter this state of calm ALWAYS resulted in a ruined tape and a little sister or brother, or indeed yourself, being stabbed with a pencil.

Cassette pencil
The good old days.

I went to see prince live at Meadowbank Stadium in Edinburgh during his Lovesexy tour and never have I ever seen a show like it. From the first note to the last the music swept me up like a tsunami and blew my socks off.

I’m not, nor will I ever be, a person who dances. I occasionally shuffle around in the house if my wife is out and all the curtains are shut but in public I have never deliberately danced. If I ever went to a club I did what any self respecting man does; Sat, Sweated and Swore.

But on that day I danced like a native american Shamen with St Vitus’ disease off his tits on MDMA. Shapes were thrown. I was possessed by the music and happily shook both what my mother gave me and my love thang. God only knows what I must have looked like and may the lord pity anyone who saw it but I have no doubt in my mind that on that day I was a whirling dervish of a man.

In the later years of his career my taste in music changed and I only listened to Prince occasionally but his music was never far away. Nor were the memories of seeing him live.

It’s such a shame we didn’t get to see him continue for another 30 years.

 

 

How to Pitch Your Story to the Press — Brilliant marketing, PR & digital content strategy

Here are a few real tips for developing fresh, new story ideas that will intrigue the media, get you press coverage and include your business, brand, product or service in their story. Your ideas should serve the journalist as well as their reader and viewer. 1.Know who you are pitching and learn what stories are […]

via How to Pitch Your Story to the Press — Brilliant marketing, PR & digital content strategy

Twitter for beginners.

So you’ve heard all your friends talking about what their favourite vapid celebrity @KatyPerry has said this week on twitter and have decided to jump into the world of celebrity stalking by joining Twitter. [i]

First step is to join up. I’d walk you through this but you’re obviously of average intelligence and have no doubt mastered the art of writing your name and are more than able to put your email address in the right place. If not stop reading this article at once and go away until you’ve developed thumbs and are no longer fucking your sister.

What’s in a profile?

Next up you’ll no doubt want to make your Twitter profile a bit sexier. Who wants a plain old Twitter page that looks like this?

twitter egg
I am the Eggman

No one worth a fuck that’s who. And you’re not one of those people are you? No. You’re a top drawer human who has a decent record collection, wears cool clothes and gives money to homeless people. You’re going through life Like a Boss and you want people to know this fact when they look at your Twitter profile don’t you? Yes you do.

In order to change your profile there are a couple of simple things to do. Firstly, get a nice picture for your avatar. Nobody wants to see that stupid egg thing on a profile. So find a nice picture and click on the egg picture. This should take you to a page that looks something like the one below.

Twitter profile basic
Editing a profile

Now click the camera icon where it says “Add a profile photo” and upload your tastefully chosen image and resize as you wish. If you want to make it a photograph of yourself remember no one wants to see you vomiting into a litter bin while drunk out your gourd on holiday in Blackpool so go for something tasteful and that makes you look at least approaching human.

Next you’ll want a decent header for your profile. A good header can attract followers so bear this in mind. Landscapes are good as they lend themselves well to the size and shape of the header and several thousand can be found by going to Google Images and searching for landscapes. To help you along a wee bitty if you click here you’ll find some pretty good images for your header.

And that’s about it for your profile design. After a while you’ll get used to using twitter and can go deeper into customisation but for now that’ll do.

How it all works

Twitter is basically an online soapbox. Think of it like a technology driven speakers corner where everyone with an opinion gets to air it.

Every tweet is available for the whole world to read.

I’ll say that again… EVERY tweet is available for the WHOLE WORLD to read. If you tweet something offensive or racist ANYONE with access to the internet can view it. Nowadays employers are more and more checking out the Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and other online profiles of potential employees so bear this in mind before you send a tweet showing your support for Nigel Farage and his flying monkey cohorts in UKIP.[ii]

How do I tweet?

In the image below you’ll see what your dashboard looks like. This is where all the excitement takes place.

main screen
The Dashboard

 

As you can see there’s a box with the text “What’s Happening?” This is where you insert your witty and verbose thoughts. Twitter limits the amount of characters to 140 so bear this in mind when you Tweet. Be like a miniature alligator, keep it short and snappy.

At the top left of your dashboard you can see a button that looks like a little house (or an upwards pointing arrow) with the word Home next to it. This is the home button. Click this to refresh your feed with the latest Tweets.

Next to that is a little Harry Potter scar shaped lightning bolt. This is where Twitter Moments are.

moments
Magic Moments

Twitter moments are a relatively new thing. Twitter bosses obviously didn’t like standing out from the crowd and being unique so decided they wanted to be more like Facebook and created moments.

Please don’t ask me what moments are as I’ve only ever glanced at it once, saw Justin Bieber on the first page and vowed never to step into that part of the Twitterverse again. Just like that time I went onto the deep web and saw things that would make a Vietnam Veteran curl up in a corner and cry… YOU WEREN’T THERE MAN! I SAW THINGS! HORRIBLE THINGS!

The next thing at the top of the page is an icon with a bell and the word “Notifications” next to it. This is where public messages sent to you (but also shared with the rest of the twitterverse) are. After that is an icon with a little envelope and the Word “Messages” next to it. This is where messages directly sent to you (and you only) are stored.

Public Messages? Private messages? What?

There are more than one type of message you can get on Twitter. One is a Public Message and the other is a Direct Message. A Public Message is a message is sent like a normal tweet but has your twitter name typed into it. Like the one in the image below. You’ll find messages like these under the Notifications tab.

at message
Names omitted to protect the stupid innocent

To send someone a public message you tweet as normal but include the username of the person you want to send a message to. Like this.

message to
A Public Message should include their username

Got it? Good. You my fluffy little Padawan are learning to use the force. Soon you’ll be tweeting regularly and annoying all your friends with gossip you’ve read on Twitter.

Now comes a word of warning. If you tweet someone famous and don’t get a reply don’t take it personally. They’re probably getting thousands of messages via twitter every day and couldn’t possibly reply to all of them. It’s not that they’ve looked at your message and thought “Who does this asshole think they are? I’m not going to reply to that. They can go lie in their own piss for a month before I’ll get back to them.”

Take a look at this video and see what it looks like when you have 8 million followers on instagram and leave your notifications on.

See? There’s no way on earth you anyone could possibly answer all those messages and still have time left in the day to do an ounce of Cocaine, drink a bottle of Krug and arrange the disposal of several dead hookers.[iii]

Next up is a direct message. This kind of message goes to the person you sent it to and NO ONE else. To send one of these you’ll need to go to the “Messages” tab. The one with the little envelope beside it at the top of your page.

DM's
Click here for Direct Messages

Once you click on the tab you’ll get a little box that pops up and looks like the image below.

Direct messages

Click on the New Message button and it’ll open up a box like this one.

DM enter a name

Enter the name of the person you want to send a message to and click next. This will then open a box that has somewhere for you to put your message. Unlike a normal tweet that is limited to 140 characters a direct message has no limit. Write what you want to write and hit send. Job Done.

And that’s you really. You are now a Twitter God my child. Go forth and spread your wisdom around the world like you’re important and have something to say.[iv]

If there’s anything I haven’t covered here and you’d like to know how to do something drop a line in the comments section and I’ll try to help. Failing that, use Google like a normal human being would.


[i] Please don’t join twitter if your favourite celebrity is Katy Perry, Justin Bieber or any of the current crop of braindead pop bands. The twitterverse has enough idiots to be going on with thanks very much.

[ii]  As a person who is both cool and froody you should know to never support Nigel Farage. The man is an upper class cockwomble.

[iii] I’m looking at you Affleck.

[iv] You’re not important and probably have nothing noteworthy to say but hey ho, that’s what Twitter is.

Back to school…

So that’s the Pagan bullshit festival Easter holidays all done and dusted and I am now back in the rich learning environment that is Edinburgh college. Home to fellow students who are looking for the light of knowledge, who seek the truth and are the future of our world.

There are also complete fucking tools people that like to share spoilers on movies they watched when they were off rather than doing their course work…

The course that the class is currently working on as I sit and type this is about Weblogs, or blogs as they are known to anyone who isn’t trapped in 1998. Not that that is apropos to this course. Oh no. This course was written sometime just after blogging became popular and contains questions in the assessment such as this….

What do you call a group of blogs that share a common topic?

  • Blogring
  • Webring
  • Blogoverse
  • Blogosphere

Which I’m sure you’ll agree is a stupid bloody question as the correct answer for this question is Blogring and this is a phrase that was binned thirty five seconds after some yuppie fucknut coined it.

And who’s fault is it that this kind of shit is still being taught to people? Well, that’d be the fault of the SQA. An organisation that in my mind is as much use as a fishnet condom.

The SQA are the reason that if I fail Maths (through being dyscalculic) I’m unable to continue onto the HNC course I originally wanted to do. Which is a pile of shite as far as I’m concerned. At what point would I need to calculate the circumference of a circle, figure out the hypotenuse of a triangle or change a number to Standard Form when putting a website together? As far as I can tell, never.

I said as much to my maths tutor and his explanation for me knowing how to write numbers in Standard Form was, and I’m paraphrasing here “If you were to become a scientist you would need to be able to do this to make calculations easier.” to which I replied something along the lines of “Well whoop de fucking doo but I don’t want to be a scientist. I want to put websites together and all the maths needed for that is addition and subtraction. If I need anything approaching that kind of maths I’ll do what anyone with half a fucking brain would do and ask Google.”

We need to talk about Vale…

“What”, reigning Moto GP World Champion Jorge Lorenzo asked before last weekend’s race in Argentina, “have we done wrong?” The “we” referred to Lorenzo himself and another of the sport’s stars Marc…

Source: We need to talk about Vale…

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